Shadows of Fear: Durga Pujo in Salukchapra
This is a story of growth, encouraging readers to embrace discomfort as a catalyst for personal development and fulfillment. The story dives into the tale of a little girl whose discomfort in new situations was often mistaken as separation anxiety. As she matures, Chutki realizes her unease stems from fear of the unknown rather than separation from her mother.
It’s the mid-week of October in Dhanbad, and while the heat has subsided, the weather still retains a warm feel. Durga Pujo pandals have already sprung up, signaling the beginning of festivities for all Bengalis in town. They’re in high spirits, engaging in daily shopping sprees for the upcoming five days of celebration starting from Sosthi. Shops bustle with customers, purchasing attire for both morning and evening festivities. For Bengalis, Durga Pujo stands as the paramount festival, symbolizing Maa Durga’s return to her maternal home with her children, leaving behind her husband, Lord Shiva. During this time, Bengalis delight in donning new attire, embarking on pandal-hopping adventures with friends and family, and indulging in delectable cuisine.
Anil is back at home with bags brimming with clothes from his pujo shopping for the family. He hands them over to Sharmila, who joyfully unpacks the silk saree he bought for her. She then calls out to Chutki, urging her to see what their father has brought for her this pujo. However, Chutki, deeply absorbed in her studies due to ongoing 2nd term exams, replies to her mother, “You hold onto it for now, let me finish studying”. In Dhanbad, schools remain open until Sosthi, leaving Chutki more preoccupied with her exams than thoughts of Pujo. When it comes to new clothes, Sharmila possesses excellent stitching skills and often acquires printed fabrics, laces, and buttons to craft frocks for both Chutki and Labonno Chutki’s elder sister. Chutki on the top prefers wearing her mother’s handmade dresses over ready-made ones.
October marks the onset of fall. While it remains warm in India, there is a subtle chill in the air. As the chilly air envelops her, Sharmila pours Anil a steaming cup of tea at around 7:30 PM on a Sunday evening and they both engage in a conversation, discussing the progress of his new job and the financial aspects related to their daughters’ education. Despite Anil’s monthly visits, Sharmila always has plenty to catch him up on. This time, with Anil home for the Pujo holidays, they enjoy some quality time together before Sharmila heads to the kitchen to prepare rotis for dinner. The family then shares a meal together before retiring for the night.
At 7 am on Saptami morning, Sharmila completes her bathing and puja rituals. Throughout all five days of Durga Pujo, she devoutly offers fruits and sweets to Maa Durga, while immersing herself in sacred texts. Waking Chutki, she excitedly announces, “Today marks the start of Pujo, and kaka, kakima, along with Pico dada, are joining us. Finish your breakfast quickly, then slip into your new blue frock after your bath. Baba and you can explore some pandals together, and don’t forget to take didi along.” Chutki’s eyes light up at the mention of Pico dada, her uncle’s son, who is only two years her senior and her favorite playmate.They always spent their summer and winter vacations together. Pico Dada would invite her to watch Harry Potter, and they would also spend hours glued to the screen watching Pokémon and Power Rangers, hardly blinking an eye.
Around noon, Chutki returns from the pandals with Anil and Labonno. As she steps into the house, she finds her uncle’s family already settled in. They make it a tradition to visit during the pujas before heading to Chutki’s aunt’s maternal house in the quaint village of Salukchpara. “Chutki, come with us to Salukchpara,” urges Chutki’s aunt, “The big idol of Durga Maa is brought to our house, and all the children have so much fun back in the village.” Pico dada joins in, attempting to convince Chutki to accompany them. Glancing at Sharmila, Chutki seeks her guidance. “You can go with Pico dada,” reassures Sharmila, “I’m sure you will have a wonderful time there.” Chutki is excited; her Pishi (father’s sister) is also going, but she has never ventured anywhere without her Maa by her side.
As late afternoon sets in, Chutki makes the decision to accompany her uncle’s family to Salukchpara, excited at the prospect of playing with children her age. She has a significant 12-year age gap with Labonno, and rarely bonds with her sister for playtime, and prefers the company of cousins and neighborhood peers closer to her age. Around 3:30 pm, they depart, leaving Sharmila, Anil, and Labonno behind. The journey from Manaitand takes about two hours, and by the time they arrive, darkness has descended.
As they settle in and prepare to freshen up, the absence of electricity due to a power failure leaves the house shrouded in darkness, illuminated only by flickering candlelight in the spacious corridors. Chutki’s aunt assists her to a room, but suddenly, Chutki feels a wave of unfamiliarity wash over her. The quietness, the darkness, and the absence of familiar faces leave her feeling disoriented and distant from her parents and the city life she’s accustomed to. Just as she starts to feel overwhelmed, she gets a call on her Pishi’s phone from her sister, sharing tales of delicious food and refreshing drinks they’re enjoying. Instead of comfort, her words deepen Chutki’s sense of isolation. All Chutki yearns for in that moment is to return to her mother. As night descends, the hour grows too late, and the journey back becomes risky. Tears stream down Chutki’s cheeks as she implores her Pishi, “I want to return to Maa, please take me back.”
At 10 pm, despite her Pishi’s call to dinner, Chutki refuses, still shedding tears and now battling a fever. She feels increasingly uneasy and simply wishes to return to her mother. Just then, Rontu mama, Pico dada’s maternal uncle, arrives upon hearing about Chutki’s condition. He comforts her, saying, “Don’t worry, Chutki. I’ll take you to your parents first thing in the morning. For now, try to eat something and get some rest.” Chutki’s spirits brighten with the promise of being reunited with her Maa, and she wipes her tears before crawling into bed, trembling with fever. Early morning Rontu Mama, accompanied by another man, takes Chutki home on a bike, encountering a sudden downpour along the way. They arrive around 10 am in the morning to find Sharmila, Anil, and Labonno eagerly awaiting Chutki’s return. Upon their arrival, Sharmila remarks to Rontu Mama, “She never ventures anywhere without me. I was worried about how she agreed to go.” To this Chutki softly says, “I am not going anywhere without you Maa”.
Years have now flown by and 27-year-old and married, Chutki now often recalls glimpses of that night. Having spent nine years away from home and her Maa, pursuing higher education and working in the welfare sector for about four years, and encountering numerous situations like that night she finds herself sitting in her revolving chair at work. As she reads this story, memories of that night in Salukchpara flood back. She ponders whether her longing for her mother is truly an inability to live without her or simply her natural response to unfamiliar situations.
Chutki considers herself fortunate to have had the chance to break free from the cycle, though it took years, and she remains both an art as well as an art in progress. Exposure to the world has made her more aware of her emotions — an opportunity her mother, Sharmila, never had. It breaks Chutki’s heart that her mother still attributes her sudden stomach upsets to some underlying health issue, unaware that her IBS is likely a manifestation of deep-seated anxiety. Despite Chutki’s efforts, convincing her mother at this age seems nearly impossible.
As young, independent women striving to change the world — or at least the place of women within it — we often face the challenge of effecting change within our own families. While we aspire to raise awareness about mental health, the question remains: how successful are we in doing so within our own homes? Chutki wonders if Sharmila will ever come to understand her emotions, and if she herself will ever truly feel liberated.
